THANKSGIVING SURVIVAL GUIDE (NYDailyNews.com)

• Your mother-in-law insists on helping with the cooking -- but keeps getting in the way: As she adds yet more salt to the gravy (telling you that your husband prefers it that way), resist the temptation to slam her on the knuckles with the ladle. "Gently redirect her behavior. Promote her to social director. Say: 'I love that you're in the kitchen, but I've got it covered. You could really help me by going into the living room and encouraging the kids to talk to the other guests.'" She'll feel useful, while you desperately try to rescue the gravy with sugar and lemon juice. Or throw it out.

• You accepted a Thanksgiving invitation, but now you're having second thoughts, thinking you'd rather spend the day elsewhere -- or even on your own: Little white lies never hurt anyone. Say that some kind of business-travel commitment has come up. However, when the big day arrives, don't be afraid to do a U-turn. Just say the trip got canceled at the last minute. People always overcater for Thanksgiving, so if you do show up, it's no big deal. But make sure you call ahead and bring an expensive bottle of Champagne for the host.

• The guys slump in front of the TV to watch sports after the meal and do nothing to help: Many men hide behind that lame "She doesn't want us in the kitchen anyways" excuse. But this isn't an episode of "Mad Men." Share the chores between the sexes. Tell them that, if they don't clean up now, they're skipping dessert. Or say: 'You can watch the game, but just so you know, the dishes will be waiting for you when it's over.' Stick to your guns. Put even one darn plate in that dishwasher, and the sisterhood suffers.

• Your sulky "New Moon"-addict kids set up camp in their bedroom, obsessively watching "Twilight" on DVD. They refuse to come out into the light: Don't have unrealistic expectations. Accept that modern families with teenagers have zero in common with the Waltons. Don't force the issue or yell at them. Say: 'If you don't come down and interact, you're getting nothing to eat'," she says. You'll soon hear the march of clumpy vampire feet.

• Your mom is prone to baring her soul at Thanksgiving, reminiscing and ruminating on what she doesn't have to be thankful for. It usually involves her going into intimate details about why her husband left her for another woman: If you can't face another "But her thighs are so much fatter than mine" conversation, look outside the family and ask a co-worker or friend to join in the festivities. Invite an outsider who has nowhere to go. This is not only charitable, but it's great protection from family members who are likely to air dirty laundry when only familiar faces are present.

• Your sister drops a bombshell during dinner, announcing that she's getting divorced: Don't allow the crisis to ruin the meal. Acknowledge it by saying, 'Oh my God, I am so sorry,' but don't probe any further. Say: 'Let's talk about this afterward over coffee, but now tell us one good thing that is happening in your life.' Hopefully, she will be able to come up with something to move the conversation on. Afterward, take her aside, together with other close family members, and discuss the problem in a less stressful atmosphere.

• Your uncle has too much to drink and makes an unhelpful comment about your sister's weight and her divorce: Immediately cut off his alcohol supply and quietly suggest he lie down in another room. He might have spoken out publicly, but don't start a public screaming match. Take him aside and warn him that, if he says anything else like that, he's going to have to leave. Whatever happens, don't allow his inappropriate comments to ignite a huge argument with different sets of relatives taking sides. The last thing you want is a family feud. Get him to repair the damage by apologizing and admitting he was drunk.

• You invited your neighbors, but their bratty kids are running wild. Their ultraliberal, laid-back style of parenting clearly isn't working, because their 10-year-old repeatedly tries to stab your toddler with a carving fork: Where kids are concerned, fight fire with fire. Express yourself. Unleash the monster inside of you, take a deep breath, count to 10 as you approach the tormentor, and SCREEEEAAAM! into their ear. Then smile your most mysterious smile and say: 'Go ask your mom about scream therapy'. This tactic almost guarantees the neighbors won't darken your door again at Thanksgiving.

• It's a tradition to go around the table with each person saying what he or she is grateful for. Trouble is, the guys and teens roll their eyes at such a folksy exercise and can't think of anything original to say: Granny's head would spin if you dropped the tradition altogether. So mix it up bit. As an alternative, ask everyone at the table to honor the person to their left of them, giving praise for what they like best about him or her. The honoree may only say 'Thank you.' But limit the praise to one or two sentences.